Shades of Scarlett Deep in Thought

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As many of you know, I am here with Shark for the weekend. We went to the bookstore in the mall here killing time prior to going to see Troy. BTW it was an awesome movie and to help shark, I would recommend seeing his comments on the movie. [url=]http://shark99.tblog.com[/url]

While in the bookstore, I read several parts of different books and one of them was on the Black Death in England. The first outbreak was 1348-9. Of course several outbreaks occurred later in that century and reoccurred up until the 18th century. What I found interesting was that medicine during this time had about the same capability to fight the plague as did the Spanish during the influenza breakout in 1918. Wow, I mean there is a serious difference in time period and technology here. However, the Spanish were no more familiar with the influenza than were the English and the rest of Europe with the plague in the 14th century. Furthermore, isn't it sick to think of how the plague was spread? Fleas are infected with the plague and attach themselves to people and animals alike. If you remember from your history class, the plague was started in China. Rats are quite prominent there and this is how it was started. Also if you remember well enough, the Eastern culture in China was quite loved for it's silks and other finery. Merchants such as Marco Polo and his family traveled to and from the East and this is how the plague was spread.

The book went on to explain the capability of the United States to combat a bioterrism attack. Do you know what that means? When I was sent to Iraq, we had to receive smallpox and anthrax vaccines to prevent us from being susceptible to the diseases. Did you know that CDC only has about 20% of the necessary smallpox vaccinnes in store in case of a smallpox outbreak? Wow, that's really bad. And most cities are not capable of combating such an outbreak. In Martin, TN, the University of TN is the site for all Weakley County citizens to report for the vaccinne in case of an outbreak. Pandemonium would set in. There are two National Guard units in Weakley County that would be activated for controlling the citizens receival of vaccinnes. But imagine the mental and emotional state of everyone if they were notified that there was an outbreak and they were required to receive vaccinations. Imagine cities like Los Angeles and New York City. The sad thing is that we simply aren't capable of combating such an outbreak. It's sad that we are so far in medicine, science, and technology and we can't feasibly defend ourselves against such threats. Just a thought inspired by reading random books in the mall.

It was about 3 months after mama's divorce with my biological father was final. She met my new daddy, Winston, and he asked her to marry him. They were married 7 years ago on Valentine's Day. I cried the whole day. It was so incredible to see my mother smile, to know that for once in her life, she was happy and she deserved it. A year later it was official...Daddy adopted all of us. My biological father signed away his parental rights. We told him he had two choices: go to prison for a very long time for criminal child abuse or let us go. He agreed because he didn't want to pay child support anyway and he knew we were very serious about putting him in prison. We could have. Sometimes I wish we had. He deserved it but then we all deserve certain things. Anyway, to this day, my mama and daddy are immensely happy. Daddy loves her so much it hurts almost. Just to see them together is proof positive of the fairy tale love. They have never got in a fight, through 7 years. All I want is that. Having that kind of love makes everything else so perfect. And I know that nothing is perfect and that there will be disagreements but the love you share is above all of that. I love my Daddy so much just for loving me, for loving mama. I would give my life for him just to see mama happy. So people, appreciate your parents and love the person you are with. What's more, show that love.

Shark is everything I have ever wanted and dreamed for and so much more. Just wanted to update ya'll on our status. I think maybe he is mine. I hope so because being with him makes me feel so much more alive.

As many of you know, Shark and I are um well I don't really know how to term except to borrow his silly way of terming "us" or the lack of "us". Our Status Pending Relationship as he has called it, is going a step further tomorrow (Friday). I will be making the five hour drive to Illinois to spend the weekend with him! I promise to get online at his house and let you know if he is crazy or if he is as wonderful as I think and know he is! So, wish us both luck this weekend because this is making us both nervous and excited at the same time. :lol:

Apparently this is how I kiss...I think it's pretty accurate so Shark, prepare to have fun this weekend! :lol:


You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I love the way I can't imagine a day without you in my life.
I love how I know you'll always be there when I need you to be.
I love the fact that I will always be there for you too.
I love how when I dream of my life partner, the only person that I can see is you.
I love how complete I feel when I am with you.
I love the way you make me laugh.
I love the way you laugh.
I love your thoughtfulness.
I love your tenderness.
I love your ability to speak without saying a single word.
I love how I would do anything in this world to make you happy.
I love how you would do anything in this world to make me happy.
I love the way your voice sounds over the phone.
I love the way, how even though we may be miles apart I still feel like you're right here with me. :D

A Chance Meeting...

On my screen you came
out of the blue,
Awakening my heart from pain
to feelings before I never knew

We are both scared
of the road fate has shown
Two souls paired
to a destiny still unknown

Should we choose to meet
and tempt these hands of fate
It would take two, for the odds to be beat
To lead us to eternity and heavens gate

Should we choose to not
would our minds constantly wonder,
Was that the one I always sought
On that do we dare to ponder?

For you have touched me deep
I long to hold you for all time
To be mine, forever to keep
For us to share a lifetime

I want your passionate kiss
to take my breath away
Never want to miss your touch
while in each others arms we lay

So now the decision is ours to make
I'll treasure you whatever may be
My heart is here for you to take
Loyalty I'll vow should you give yours to me

by Deborah (I found this on the net and wanted to share it.)
This is for- well you know who you are!

There is something that I try to remember no matter what- if I say something to you and later you want to bring that up, I will be able to admit to saying it and I will be able to give reasons why I said it. Two things, if you are going to say something that later you wish you didn't say or you just plain can't admit that you even said it all, DON'T SAY IT! I mean be an adult here. Secondly, if you are going to say something, if you have an opinion, know WHY you think that. Just don't randomnly say things that you can't back up. I am telling you, ignorance and stupidity are about the well stupidest things in the world. Don't be afraid to stand up for your beliefs just please have reasons for them. That's all really for tonight. I just really needed to say that to all of you.

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
~King Whitney Jr.

Fearing change doesn't do any good. The most important thing is to reflect on that change and learn from it. Change can develop the present situation into a more productive one. The challenge is to have the vision to accept and learn from change. What do ya'll think?

Did you ever say that's enough, leave her alone
or that it's okay, that girl isn't worth it anyway
Did you give a crying girl a kleenex
lend your arm to let her hid her embarrassment
Did you help someone up who fell, hand them their books
Did you give a compliment
on purpose to the child who looked down
Did you help the new kid fit in
Did you learn that you alone could stop a group
from hurting another
Did you know that your kind work
could make someone's week
Your friendship could have made someone's year.
Did you ever say I'm sorry
Did you ever make it your mission to learn and watch
and know who needed a friend
Did you know that popularity is by association
and a child could be accepted through you
And do you know, that no matter what you've done,
it will never make up for the damage
Everything happens once, it cannot be repeated
Have you ruined something for someone
that they cannot have again
To each of you who played a part
You are all fully at fault
Because your one kind work, would have made a day,
A week,
A year.
~Amanda Jo Abair

My loving sister wrote that for me to my classmates my senior year in high school. Like I mentioned, that was a rough time adjusting from my biological father to the real world and the other children were unusually unkind, as children often are. So I wanted to share this for us all to accept the challenge to daily strive to be kind, smile, and genuinely care for others. I know sometimes that's hard because you may not like the person but just smile and maybe it will help! :lol:

First before pondering on today's blog post, I would like to say thank you to all of you for your encouragement and support for my concert. I did very well and I think I did better knowing I had your thoughts and well wishes. So now on to today's post.

My journal is lengthy and so I picked this entry to post. I was 16 at this time and was having a hard time dealing with life. We had left my father three years prior but things still hadn't calmed down.

I want to leave now. I hate home. Home is supposed to be where one can go at any time. I will provide that for my family when I am older. I hate the thought of going home. The mere thought of my family disgusts me, school and work are my refuge. One of my friends asked me who I turn to when I need to talk -- no one I said -- I only write. It's so hard to think that no one around me understands me. I mean, am I supposed to just adjust to everything after being hit for 14 years?! I mean I almost died God knows how many times. And I am 16 and I know of how to be a mother than be a kid. Why can't life just be carefree for a couple of years before I become an adult? I wonder why sometimes. Why did I have to be born the daughter of a criminal child abuser? I will never be the same again. I can't erase the memories he planted forever in my mind. People wonder why I don't date. Mmmm lemme think. What guy is going to want to hear about these stories?


Like I said, sometimes I had a really hard time when I was younger dealing with the fact that I was abused and so were my siblings. It was really hard for a long time but thankfully I am older now. I know now how to deal with it and how to learn from it. Please do that! If you go through something that is hard, when it is over, try to reflect and learn how that experience can develop you as a person!

"I want that cup mommy, why can't I have it? That's just not fair!" I guess I am argumentative child and my younger brother, Grayson, and I always fight. Today we fought worse than usual...my back hurts now so much.

"Mommy, that's my cup, don't let her have it!" Grayson fought back today as usual. I don't know why we fight. I am older if only by 19 months and I am responsible for teaching him to behave. I am only 10 but I have been helping mom raise the younger boys for over a year now. "God why did you allow me to come into the world of hell?"

Dad walked in the kitchen then. He was mad. Why does he act that way or are daddies supposed to be this way? I hope not. I am sorry, I really am. I don't mean to be bad. He yelled at us then. Apparently we are always bad and he hates that.

"Grayson, Scarlett, get outside in the carport. The rest of you follow me." Dad always yells.

Grayson and I stood outside and meekly waited for our punishment. I looked over at the pile of two-by-fours with nails in them from the new shop Dad had just built. Somehow I think I knew what he was going to do to us today. I guess I am just used to this but this was just worse. I am only 10, am I supposed to be perfect? Mom says I am a brat sometimes but I think she's just stressed and doesn't know about things.

"Scarlett, you are the oldest and you probably started this argument so you will be first. I hope this teaches you two to stop this confounded arguing. Maybe this will be a lesson to you other children too." He yanked my arm, man that hurt. There's still a bruise but it happened hours ago. What followed was physically the worst thing that I have had to endure ever. He beat me with a board that had nails in it for what seemed like forever. God if only I had given Grayson that cup. God I am so sorry, please don't send me to hell for this. Please at least save Grayson from this hell. "Daddy please, it was my fault! Leave him alone, punish me!"

"MOMMYYYYYY!!!! Please! Stop him, I am scared!" Grayson clung to mama, tearfully begging to be spared from this. I cried more for him, knowing I had started the argument. I remember blacking out today after that. I don't know what mama said but I am scared Dad would hit her so maybe I deserve this. Am I really bad? I guess so or else he wouldn't beat me this way. It's my fault anyway. I wonder are all families like mine? I don't even know. Grayson is crying, I can hear him upstairs in his room. His back must be hurting him so much. Mama tended to our wounds I think. I woke up with bandages. I feel hungry. I don't think I am allowed to eat until tomorrow though. Maybe if I had just been quiet I could have eaten. Oh well, I am only a child so I have lots of years to make up for these periods of not eating. Mmmm. God can I ask you a question? Is this the way you want me to live? I don't understand that this could be the way I should live.


Hey everyone, That's from my journal as a child. I am sorry, that's all quite true. But I promised journal entries from war and my childhood so there you are! Thanks and I love you guys much! :D

One look in the eyes
The connection overwhelms me
The realization that it is over
The search has ended
Who are you?
Falling…

The breath of someone who fits
The look of someone who cares
The touch of someone who respects
The emotion of heart breaking love
Falling…

Conversations that last for hours
Listening when needed most
Reassurance every moment
Words creating a lifetime of memories
Falling…

Supporting actions
Thoughtful words
Soul-piercing looks
Chill rushing thoughts
Falling…

The missing puzzle piece
To the end result-
My life is now complete
A perfect fit.
Falling…

A love that will never die
Like the eternal candle
That never flickers
But one that shines forever.
Falling…

A love that fits
A love that fulfills
A love that survives
Falling…

It all started with
Falling in love with you.


Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF)

I wrote this when I found out that my fiancé wasn’t going to stay with me. I knew there was still that perfect person out there and in the middle of war, the words flowed onto paper, again reassuring me that he existed somewhere. I just wanted all of you to know that while I was at war, the horrors of weren’t the only things weighing on my mind. :D

“Mama, please teach me to play. I want to play like you do.” The five-year old girl implored with her mother everyday until finally her wish was granted.
“Alright dear, sit down on the piano bench. Put your thumb here. That’s Middle C. Music begins with that note.” Lovingly, her mother taught her the simplest of notes. Each day, the small girl practiced until she was able to teach herself. Late one evening, her mother came from work with delightful news.
“I have found a piano teacher for you. Do you want to take lessons?”
“Oh yes!” Gleefully, the little girl bounced around the room as if her most precious wish had just been granted.
Although lessons didn’t last for more than a year, the child continued to play. At such a young age, she was not accustomed to public performances and required practices. Over the next five years, the child labored for hours over the piano, happy to make music of her own free will. Music came to her with ease and soon enough, the piano became engrained in her soul. Each note took to her own world free of pain. Her family was certain their “child prodigy”, as they called her, would one day become a concert pianist.
That little girl is me. I cannot begin to describe to you the impact piano has left on my life. In more ways than one, piano became my savior. My music became the medium between the real world and my own twisted world built on hate, pain, anger, and most of all , tears. I have always wanted to write a story about my childhood and its horrors. However, this is not that story. In the pages to come, you will see dreams lived, dreams shattered, and dreams hoped for. Perhaps the message between the lines is to simply live your life- in the service of your highest aspirations. It is never too late to live your dreams, even if it is ten years later after you dreamt them.

The sad thing is that this fits my demeanor when I first came home. And even now, don't walk up behind me, don't touch me if it is obvious I am in my own little world, do not make loud, obnoxious noises when I don't know you are there, and please don't pop a balloon!



paranoid


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Will it ever end?
I don’t understand.
Trying so hard to make do…
To survive is my only goal
On the other side of hell
Home awaits me.

So many thoughts running through my head
Am I going crazy
Maybe I am but maybe this will pass
I am so confused
I feel so used
Is there someone who can help
Or am I left alone again
Count to ten
Does that help?
Help lies on the other side.

Standing on a glass bridge
With home on the other side
One wrong move…
It’s all over
Down I fall into the dark abyss
The dark abyss of hell
That comes closer to me
With each moment I fall.
I keep my eyes
On the other side.

Step carefully…
Watch the glass surface…
Do I make sense?
I stretch out my arms in sight
Of the beautiful home
On the other side.

Will I find an end to my plight?
It’s there I know
On the other side.

Operation Iraqi Freedom
April-September 2003
I wrote this during the war. I don’t write poems well but it was literally what came out of my head.

Hurt, anger, pain, distress,why? He was such a good person, a wonderful soldier, a loving father and husband. He did not deserve to have his life ripped from him. I can't get this out of my head. I cry, sob, shake, scream, but it stays in my head. I write, like I am doing now, but how can I get better when I am still getting shot at everyday? Home...God that seems like a fantasy world here. Will I ever get to go home? I love serving my country but the heat, the constant missions with no sleep, and the bullshit from my leadership gets to me. Then the whole situation doesn't get any better because I got another letter from Mama today about Daddy being so sick. He has cancer...the only daddy I have ever known is dying of cancer. I am so scared. On top of SGT Rowe dying and Daddy being sick, Aaron is emailing me saying that he doesn't want to stay with me because he is too hurt by my being here. Well hot damn...I am the one getting shot at. War is not easy by any means. I am so anxious just to step on American soil, just to know that I am safe.

Stacie Smith, one of my dearest friends, sorority sister, and future co-maid of honor, wrote me so many letters while I was overseas. She was the go-between for me and the sorority. I have located all of the letters anyone ever sent to me overseas. I found this one from her and in her letter, she sent me this poem. I wanted to share it with you.

[b]Don't Quit[/b]
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
Keep your spirits high for through think and thin,
You must carry on if you are to win.

Life is strange with its twists and turns
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
It challenges us to often give up
When we could have captured the victor's cup.

So turn your failures inside out,
Press them on past fear and doubt.
Nevermind if thigs hold you back a bit,
You'll come out on top-but you musn't quit.

I don't even know the author to this but whoever wrote it had an awesome outlook on life. I challenge of you to add this to you beliefs and values and apply to your life each and every day!

Ladies, this is to you!

Fight for what you feel is your truest love, for who you know deep in your heart will make you happiest. Love that person with every facet of your mind, body and soul.

Now after you have that person in your life, refer to this blog: [url=]http://euphoria.tblog.com[/url]

Here, Euphoria tells us the importance of loving the wonderful man who stands by our side.

Right now I pray that I can keep the person who I feel could completely be my true love. And fighting for him is worth it!

Shark99 asked us if we remembered this fateful day in history. Yes, of course! And what about what we were doing, the instant we found out? Yes, I remember that too!

I will never forget 9-11 and what I was doing that day. I was then in basic training at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. We had marched 5 miles to our training site for day as we were currently preparing for our end-of-cycle-testing. At about 9:00, we were concerned as to when our training was to begin. We had been sitting on our gear at the training site for over an hour and still nothing. One of the Drill Sergeants who was off that day suddenly pulled up in his hot-purple pick-up truck. He made the announcement. The World Trade Center north tower had been hit by a plane and they were unsure of whether or not it was an accident or the action of a terrorist. DS Zavala turned his radio on in the truck full blast and three minutes later we heard, “Oh my God, oh my God. The south tower has been hit. I repeat, this just in, the south tower has been hit.” Once we realized that the Drill Sergeants were serious about it, shock, terror, fear, and anger set in. About an hour later, at 10:13, the radio was still on and we could all hear the words being screamed over the airwaves, “This just in America, a third plane has hit the Pentagon. I repeat…” Gasps across our company were heard. I turned my head to hear better the tears of a young private in 4th platoon. One could clearly see the shear terror in his eyes. We all were questioning what was wrong- did he know someone in the towers or the Pentagon? My best friend from 4th Platoon eased her way to my side and told me the young private’s story. “His dad is a colonel in the Pentagon and he works in the section that was hit.” Both of us were shaking, holding on to what little bit of reality that we could. At 9:58, the radio announcer told the world that a fourth plane had crashed into a field in Somerset County, Pennsylvania. We were told that it was assumed to have been intended for the White House. Thank God, we all prayed. In the hours that followed, we were all walking zombies, to put it bluntly. Even our drill sergeants were focused merely on getting us back to the barracks to call home and reassure our families that we were safe. When I got through to my mom, she sobbed on the phone, “What’s going on? Are you ok? What’s going to happen from here?” She relayed messages from my older brothers and sisters telling me to lay low and it would all be ok. We only had 2 minutes on the phone but in those two minutes, my world seemed suddenly better after hearing my mother’s voice. We were later told that Drill Sergeant Cato’s best friend from high school had been killed in the south tower. The young private’s dad from the Pentagon made it. For some reason, he had been called to a different section of the building just minutes prior to the attack. What a miracle we all thought!

Emotions from 9-11 continue to affect me. I felt all the emotions of anger, fear, but most of all love for my country and my freedom during the ensuing months and especially during my wartime experience. No matter how deeply you want to forget 9-11 and those horrible hours of terror, you will always remember where you were on that day, what you were doing, and what flashed through your mind when you heard the news. Americans will always look at their life in a different manner- or at least they certainly should. We have had our freedom challenged in a very real way and for the rest of time, the United States of America and her citizens will live each day wondering when and if it will happen again.

Through the sad times during war, we always had the funny moments. One of those moments involved a small boy...I think he was probably ten years old or so. We were, as usual, headed to Baghdad International Airport. One of our tankers had a flat tire so the whole convoy stopped to take a break, pull security, and help change the tire. Without fail, when we stopped on the side of the desert highway, there would be absolutely NO ONE in sight. However, in about 2 minutes, it was as if the sky opened up and dumped Iraqis on the ground...hundreds of them appeared out of thin air. We never did figure out where they would all come from. So I was patrolling my area, weapon loaded and round chambered when this child walked up to me.

"American missus! Oooh it's a missus!" The majority of the children were in love with American women. Soon here came three of his buddies. We were instructed not to have much contact with the children for fear they carried a grenade in their pocket so I shooed them away in Arabic. They left, temporarily.

"American missus! See!!" In broken English and sign language, the child indicated that he had a flag on his forehead. I wasn't directly looking at his forehead and this immediately got my attention. I mean, ok, how does one have a flag on one's forehead. So I motioned for him to come closer and reassured him he would be safe, again in my own broken Arabic.

"Oh my God! LT Stokes, come see this!" The boy had gotten an American flag stamp from one of my soldiers and had stuck it to his forehead. He was quite proud of this and insisted that he was now wearing the American flag. My LT got a kick out of it. I ended up taking a picture of him (I will try to post it later!).

The child really made my day though because he was so proud to be "wearing the American flag" on his forehead.

I have this person who won't leave me alone. For some reason he emails me constantly, begs me to call him. I can't understand why he thinks I like him. I mean, why would I?

Ok Shark, honey, you know that the above isn't really true but since you put that damn denial on your blog (And now you have to delete it don't you?!! Yay Scarlett wins again!)

The idea for this blog came to me today while I was driving. I want to know your inspirations for life. What inspires you to wake up in the morning and face the world? What drives you, what motivates you? This ought to be interesting to see the passions behind each of us! Please comment on this one!

Wow, it's 0400 and we have to go to Baghdad today. July 9, 2003. I am security in the hummer and the driver. Our convoy commander is good but our NCOIC is pushy and isn't concerned for the soldiers but I will take care of them. They are my guys and they take care of me. :D

From here we left Camp Cedar with close to 30 tankers hauling 5000 gallons of fuel each. We had one gun truck mounted with a 50 cal, one supply cargo truck, and my hummer. Our commander authorized the usage of my hummer although the radio was inoperable and I had no lights so at 4 a.m., I led our mission through the desert trail to Baghdad. This isn't safe, I kept thinking. Ambush alley had seen so many attacks lately and that's exactly where we were going. We stopped at Scania, a fuel point and site for military police. Our NCOIC made a deal with mechanics there to help us fix my hummer. So against my better judgment, the convoy commander went with the rest of the mission while one of our mechanics stayed with me and the NCOIC. Problem was that I had the clearance papers for them to get inside Baghdad and we were left alone...IN A DAMN WAR ZONE....with no gun support. Sure, we had our own personal 3 weapons but what good would that do if we got attacked. 45 minutes later, we had switched out the alternator on the hummer and then noticed it was the control box. Oh well, we left the area and I drove practically 85 miles per hour down the desert highway. We passed a convoy and they looked at me like, what the hell are you doing alone? about 30 minutes after we left Scania, we came upon some of our tankers, two of the trucks fuel tanks refused to switch over so the trucks broke down... according to our company commander's policy, the [u]only[/u] gun truck we had, the maintenance truck with the convoy commander, and the last radio truck stopped with them to fix the problem. I picked up my convoy CO and dropped off the mechanic I had. I knew the rest of the mission would be waiting on the clearance papers and op orders I had so I left the scene...according to my CO, I had to do that. Not five minutes later, we passed underneath the 6th overpass prior to the turnoff for Baghdad International Airport. About 500 yards from the overpass, I saw one of our tankers alone, no soldiers in sight.

"Shit....Shit what's happening....wake up you two...wake up...get your damn weapons and make sure there's a round chambered. I think this is trouble...."

I pulled to the side of the tanker and then I saw SGT Long run to me.

"HE'S DEAD! please please...he's dead...he's dead..."

He was in a state of sheer panic. "Ok what happened...who's dead?" I asked, panicking now myself.

"It's SGT Rowe. We took sniper fire from the overpass not five minutes ago... I had just discovered he was dead when you pulled up. I was reaching for another magazine clip and yelling for him to push on the gas and get the hell out here when...when..."

"It's ok...we will go over this later. We need to check his pulse and at least get his body out of the truck."

We stepped onto the ledge of the truck...OMG...it was one shot through his Adam's apple. He was dead on impact. The guys helped pull his body out of the truck. I pulled a tarp out of my hummer and laid it over his body. Then we waited for the last trucks to catch up so we could radio in for help. We didn't have radio contact. Soon everyone got there and I collapsed... "OMG what's happening... They are all around us. My God we aren't going to make it out of this." The convoy I had passed stopped to help us. They made a 360 degree circle around us with their trucks. All of their soldiers pulled security and radioed for help and a medivac helicopter. I ran to the last radio truck and jumped in.

"911-911- This is SPC Wells 1174th Trans Co 20 miles outside of Baghdad. Come in...we are hit...come in please..."

Tears flowed..."mama please I want to see just one more time...Daddy...I need you now. I pray you lift me up!"

"Come in...this is SPC Wells 1174th Trans Co requesting MP Support and medivac, over. Does anyone read me?"

"Scarlett, no one's coming dear. Just watch the area. The other company can keep trying over the radio. It will be ok...We will get out of here." Jerry always took care of me like a brother. That's what being a soldier is about.

"Why don't we get the hell out of here? We can put the body in the supply cargo and take it to the morgue in Baghdad. The rest of our convoy has no idea where we are. We are just asking to fucking get our asses killed here. We are in the middle of the damn desert with nothing!" I am sorry for my language God, please forgive me...this is so hard.

A white pickup truck with 3 Iraqis (one talking on a cell phone) circled our convoy for almost an hour. According to INTEL reports, that was considered a threat. So, I pulled my M16 up, aimed, and fired, God help me. Well it jammed...damn the sand. "Jerry?" My weapon won't fire!

"What the hell? Oh damn....let's fix it...what did you do?"

I explained the situation to him. He calmly observed me momentarily while explaining that the MP's should handle them. "You don't want to live with killing someone for the rest of your life even if it is an Iraqi."

"Well if it's between me and them, I choose me."

Maybe an hour later, the MP's finally arrived. They took our reports, we drained the fuel from the shot up tanker, and hooked it up to the maintenance bobtail truck. SGT Long rode with me as he was emotionally unable to handle the drive. I was unsure of my own stability but it was war and I did what I had to in order to survive and complete the mission. The MP's led us into Baghdad because I had no lights. About 5 minutes before we got to the turnoff for the airport, we had to drive around another convoy who had just been attacked. The MP's hadn't cleared the area and God, the smell. I choked, realizing it was the smell of bodies, of my fellow soldiers. I knew that although they weren't my unit, they were still soldiers wearing my uniform. My God, tears flowed more then. At the turnoff, the MP’s left to see about the other convoy. My convoy commander walked in front of my hummer with his flashlight so I could see to lead my other tankers. We came to the gate and the guard knew immediately who we were. He hurriedly gave us instructions on where our unit convoy was at and for us to please take care and he was deeply sorry for our loss. We pulled into the area where our unit was resting after completion of the mission. I shut off the hummer, my M16 still tightly gripped in my hand. My head fell to the steering wheel and I sobbed. The other guys still had no idea where we had been and they laughed at me, not understanding.

“Scarlett, take your round out of the chamber and get something to eat…” My convoy commander knew I had to get away. Numbly, I stumbled out of the hummer and pulled off my gear. Down to my t-shirt, pants and boots, I pulled my weapon from my shoulder and laid it down. Unaware that I hadn’t unchambered the round, I walked to my guys and said, “He’s dead…there’s nothing funny here.” Of course they all crowded around me to ask and I numbly told them what happened. SPC Jaros held my hand, “Honey, what do you need?”

“Brandon, I need Brandon please, he is probably already asleep on his tanker but I need him.” Jaros led me to the porch of the Air force chow hall. I collapsed and pulled my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth, tears flooding more freely. Not 30 seconds later, I heard Brandon yelling my name. He pushed through the crowd of my fellow soldiers and dove to my side. For what seemed like forever, he held me, rocking me back and forth trying to comfort me. “That was almost me, Brandon. I was alone in the middle of the desert. It could have been me. God…”

He carried me to the top of his tanker and stayed with me till I slept. Later, I felt a soft nudge at my shoulder. “Scarlett, wake up honey…you have to wake up.”

Brandon got me up and again carried me down the tanker. He led me to the chaplain. The Air force chaplain had heard what happened and, in the wee hours of the morning rushed to us…get that…no Army person came. He talked to all of us involved in the attack. I had to leave early. I couldn’t do it. Brandon carried me back and I slept till the morning. The next day I led my trucks back to our base. We arrived home and unpacked our gear. I stumbled into my supply tent and fell…emotionally I was destroyed. Physically I was unstable. We held the memorial service 3 days later.

SGT Rowe, I admired you as a soldier. Your memory lives on and you will forever inspire us by your love for your country and your willingness to make the ultimate sacrifice for your county if need be.

A Time to remember
The ones who heard the call
Those who died while fighting
Willingly gave their all,
Those who returned with bodies
Battered and torn.
The ones still waiting
To be returned home.

My first performance since Iraq is May 22. I am nervous, well that's an understatement. I am playing Rachmaninoff's Prelude in C#Minor and all 5 pages are excruciatingly difficult. I love my piano and for those of you who know me, it is my deepest passion in life other than my country. So please guys! Wish me well on this because I have like one week to fine tune the dynamics of this piece. I only had one month's notice to learn this piece from start to finish so it's been work but enjoyable work. That's all for now folks but I promise to post more journal entries from the war later tonight.

This is from my journal covering the weekend when I flew overseas.

“Bye Mama, I love you and we will see you on Monday.” We all called our Arabic teacher ‘mama’. Today is Friday and therefore we got out of our Arabic school at lunch and were done for the weekend. Hopefully this weekend I will have a bit of fun. Derek and Nick will be around so that should be fun. Aaron can’t come to see me so I won’t get to see my baby. I am wondering now if we are ever going to Iraq. We have been here at Fort Campbell since the first week in February.

I have to go to the company area now that lunch is over. I ate at the chow hall at 3rd Brigade and it is blah as always. I miss my own cooking. Ok well something is going on because SGT Palanki says we have an emergency formation at 1300 hours. I am about tired of our company commander. He doesn’t care about the soldier. I know he wants his promotion but he has to earn that. Sometimes I wonder how someone so corrupt can wear the uniform that I do but he is my commander. Ok so now to this formation because it is already 10 minutes till.

Oh, it has happened. Formation is over now and I am sitting here on the steps to our barracks. Sunday at 2300…we are going. Oh my God! War…it has finally happened. I never thought we would go after sitting here for so long. Well, time to make the phone calls.

Over the next hour, I called my family and arranged for a last minute visit from mama. Aaron tearfully cancelled plans with his parents and planned to visit me one last time. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to come but visiting for other reasons would have been better. We had both said goodbye and I will see you when you come home every weekend and it was harder each time.

Derek, Nick, and I didn’t say much that afternoon. I sat on the porch of the barracks crying for hours. Derek smoked his damn cigarettes and drank beer. I think Nick went home to see his then fiancé. This was a reality that none of us were truly ready for. When the bombs first hit Baghdad, I wanted to go…I still did but the reality set in. I am literally deathly scared that when I step on that plane, I will never see mama, daddy and my brothers, and sisters again.

That whole weekend, Aaron and I spent quality time together. In my head then, I knew he wouldn’t last the war. I knew he wasn’t going to be able to handle my being gone. However, I had to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope he would stand by me. I made him leave Sunday morning about 10 a.m.

“I love you so much, Aaron,” I was in tears. “I promise that I will do my best to come home.”

“I love you too. I can’t do this, Scarlett. I can’t leave you. What if you don’t come back? What if you die?”

“Aaron, just please go. I can’t do this with you. I won’t be emotionally strong enough to go if we do this again. I love you and please for my sake be strong.”

I turned and walked away. I had to. Tears had run down my face and I was shaking. I forced myself to work on organizing things for the flight. Mama came to see me later that morning. Her voice choked a little when we began to discuss things. I let her know what do with my things should something happen.

“You know that everything I have goes to you and Daddy. My life insurance is split between the two of you. Should something happen, I want Aaron taken care of, please. He is to be my husband. Just take care of him for me. I am concerned that he will not last the war and I can’t deal with that.”

“Everything is already in place, Scarlett. You need to worry about the war and about defending your country. Remember what I said to you about that back in January. Just stay strong and defend the freedom of this country no matter your sacrifices.”

I admired mama for her strength. She left later that afternoon when she had to report to her unit for her own duties. For the first time in a long time, she gave me a hug…one of those please come home hugs.

We loaded the buses around 1800 that night. All of our families who could be there were waving us off. Tears came more frequently then. One of the wives held my hand through the window and handed me tissues.

We went through last minute checkups, pregnancy tests for the females, and loaded our gear onto the plane. Weapons, gear, and all we walked onto the plane, ready for war. I sat down and let it all sink in. I called Aaron last minute from my cell, knowing it well might be my last time to talk to him for a year or more.

The plane took off and my heart physically hurt. The reality had started. From now until the day I stepped back onto US soil, I would wonder each moment if it would be my turn next. Each morning I would wake up wondering if I would really go home, would I live through that day…

yaya I love her! I heard this song and it's beautiful!

Thing's I'll Never Say
I’m talking out my hair
I’m pulling at my clothes
I’m trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I’m staring at my feet
My checks are turning red
I’m searching for the words inside my head

[Pre-Chorus]
(Cause) I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it
Yeah

If I could say what I want to say
I’d say what about you
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

It don’t do me any good
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What’s on my mind
If ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care

(Cause) I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it
Yeah

If I could say what I want to say
I’d say what about you
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

What’s wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble off
Like I’ve got nothing to say

(Cause) I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it
Yeah

Yes I’m wishing my life away with these things I’ll never say
If I could say what I want to say
I’d say what about you
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say
These things I’ll never say

I read Illusionsweetie's blog and found this:
"Love is a journey, not a destination"

Then she adds this:
[u]The Mile[/u]

People come in our lives and walk with us a mile, then because of circumstances they only stay awhile. they serve a need within the days that move so quickly by, then are gone beyond our reach,we often wonder why god only knows the reason that we meet and share a smile and why people come in our lives and walk with us a mile...

That's like the footprints quote on my bookmark:
Some people come into our lives, and quickly go. Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, we are never, ever the same.

Yay I love quotes like those! I will post more from my journal later guys!

I drove from my house in Gleason and went to UTM for my Tuesday classes. I checked my voicemail on my cell as usual and had one from SFC Hardy to call him ASAP. I called my fiance, Aaron, first. After getting out of Sociology 201, I again checked my voicemail and there were 3 voice messages and a text message from the guard unit said there was an emergency. I was a little scared but I remained as calm as possible. The unit phone line was busy so I rang daddy and told him to call me if the unit called him.

I walked into my second class and put my books and Dr. Pepper on my desk. I was in Teacher Education 302 so I went to Dr. Hewitt's office to ask if I could leave my cell on just in case. Before I could get to her office, SFC Hardy called me.

"Scarlett, you need to withdraw from school."

"Why", I brokenly asked, fighting back the impending tears.

"Your unit has been mobilized and you are going to Iraq most likely." Shocked and now incredibly scared, I cried uncontrollably.

I told Dr. Long, my 433 professor, and Dr. Hewitt. Dr. Hewitt called Daddy to come and get me. We went to my classroom and told the class. The girls cried and hugged me...the guys told me to go kill somebody. I half laughed, trying to feel better. My God, I thought, I am going to war. Wow I know I signed up for this but what about my family, what about Aaron? Dr. Long drove me to the R.O.T.C. building. From there I called my unit and was told to report at 0800 hours the next day for mobilization readiness. Then I made the worst call aside from my family. Aaron picked up his phone and heard my tears. He asked why I was crying and then realized.
"Is it time?" He lost it then.

"Yes, my love, it is time. Please come to me." I told him where I was at. Not a minute later, he ran through the building and held me.

"I want to defend the freedom of my country but I am so scared", I cried into his shoulder.

Daddy took me to the bank where all of my financial accounts were put into his and mama's names. Then he took me to get my car. He couldn't even look up at me. Tears flowed from his eyes. I was so broken today. So broken. What's happening? My God! Please someone tell me!

I told my Baptist Collegiate Ministries director and secretary. Aaron drove me around campus all day today. I withdrew from school, notified my professors, and then tried to say my goodbyes. I stood while my closest friends tearfully prayed for my safety. At about 11:30 tonight I drove home. Mama was waiting up for me.

"Promise me something" she said.

"Anything, mama".

"Promise me that no matter what happens, you will stand by your country. Promise me that if they capture you, you will not give up your country. Promise me that if they rape you, torture you, promise me you will stand strong. If you have to die, do it with honor. Please promise me you will stay strong for me. Just defend your country and that uniform with pride. Don't give up your fellow soldiers no matter what they do or say to you."

Tearfully I promised her I would do all of that.


This is my first page in a journal I kept during the war. BTW...I am no longer engaged to Aaron, the fiance mentioned here. For the moment I am with no one but I think maybe that's about to change! (You know who you are!) :lol:

Out of everything I have ever written, this book holds precedence. My hope and prayer in writing this is for it to give a better understanding of the sacrifices made by both the soldiers and their families. My purpose in writing this is not in any fashion encourage war. Peace is what I fight and long for. However, to first possess and then maintain peace and freedom, war is sometimes demanded for.

Something I want to emphasize is the emotion felt by not only each soldier but also the families. Combat duty is difficult for all persons involved. It is my purpose in this book to convey the sacrifices, tears, heartaches, and lessons learned. Our sacrifices weigh heavy yet the ancillary rewards from serving on'es country stand above it all. Each soldier in the unit misses his or her loved ones deeply; however, he or she realizes the awesomeness of our higher purpose. For many of us, this deployment will determine our future in the military. Stress levels run high; emotions run rampant. Nevertheless, our mission prevails.

I pray this book inspires all who read. If one person better understands the soldier behind the uniform and mission, I have succeeded in my purpose. One must always remember, soldiers only follow orders from their chain of command.


This is the preface in my book...comment please?

Aside from the fact that it's 2 in the afternoon and I just realized that I have not eaten today...that's smart huh?...I am doing beautifully. There is a certain someone in my life now who I am blessed to call a friend and hopefully one day something more. For now, he brightens each moment in my day.

In front of me at my desk I have a stack of journals. One of them brings tears as my sorority set this out when I went to war. College students, faculty, and staff wrote in it at the prodding of my sisters. They sent it to me while I was in Iraq and it is filled with loving well wishes, promises of prayers, pages blotted with dried tears where my lovely girls were frightened so for fear of my return, but not that wanted and hoped for safe return. Pages and pages of thank you's...I read this and wow...I am so infintely reminded of the reasons for which I served. Thank you so much for your love and support. Tears come now remembering that difficult but honorable time in my life.

Journals...then there are the ones from the war...a book I have tried over and over to start writing. So I think I will start posting some of these journal entries. I hope that you will comment and give me any advice. A book is my goal and hopefully one day I will achieve that goal.

Wow I am on a journal safari or something because I just found my journals that I wrote in during parts of the war. I think I will start sharing those as well!!

I think I have found some pieces of things I wrote as a child growing up in hell...sorry that is a bad terminology but it's true. I love to find those things and as soon as I know that's what these are. I will post them. Love you all mean it and please have a beautiful day!

Ooh yay! A friend of mine said this to me a minute ago- It is so true.
~The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Since I laugh all of the time and I am generally happy anyway, this is was simply great! :lol:

Happiness in life doesn't depend on money. I know money can buy things that you like and make you happy but that is in no way true happiness. Fulfilling your dreams will make you happy. Being true to yourself will make you happy. Being true in your love life will make you happy.

This is merely a reminder to go with your heart in life. If your heart is pulling you to a different path, go there. You must always be true to yourself. No matter if you are the only one standing, be true to your beliefs. That's so important. I wish now so much that I had continued with my piano more than I did. Although I teach now, I am no concert pianist at Carnegie Hall, New York. It is a life goal of mine now to live up to my dreams, no matter how insignificant others may see them as.

~"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." -anonymous
~"The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live." -Joan Borysenko
~"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well." -Josh Billings
~"Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." -Mahatma Gandhi
~"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt
"Dreams are the touchstones of our character." -Henry David Thoreau

I praise God for saving me seven years ago. After 14 years of hell growing up, He blessed me with a new daddy who loved my mother and all of her children. At that point, I was unsure of any future that could be happy but over the last seven years, I have met people who fought time and again for me to get better. I am ever thankful for that. I struggled with my faith and sometimes still do but I know that God loves me and no matter what He will be there to hold my hand and pick up when I fall. Thank you, God, for that. I love You with all of my heart and I pray that daily I walk in Your footsteps, showing others Your love. So my new dad adopted all of us and showed us how a daddy was supposed to act. He taught us to swim, skate, bowl, play sports and most of all he loved us. Then we got actually eat! He took us to the grocery store and made us get whatever we wanted. For the first time in 14 years, I knew what it was like to eat without being terrified of not having more the next meal, of not having to ration out small bits to each child.

I will continue this later about my childhood and picking up the pieces.

aim-
gkpiprincess
yahoo-
scarlett_gkpi


ya'll can all add me if you want!!

Wow I was so afraid that since I had never been a waitress before I would fuck up. but nope! I made a lot alot of money in tips and all 9 long hours I didn't mess up once. I get along with all of my co workers well too. They all found out about my being in Iraq which was fine except that I got pounded with questions. They all were shocked that I was a college sorority girl coming home from a war. So their reaction was pretty funny. All in all though it was great day. I miss my friends from Fort Campbell and feel weird without them here. For those of you who believe in God, pray for me. Life is still stressful and hectic but who's life isn't. Thanks guys. I have really met some wonderful people on this blog thing and you all mean a lot to me.

what's your cowboy bebop theme song?

I must apologize for the lack of meaningful posts lately. My finals aren't over until Monday and I just got a new job so I am so swamped with things right now but I promise to get back into the swing of things next week. Later! :lol:

Modern rock! You're very good! Your lyrics have
lots to say, but you can go crazy sometimes...
Careful now... Just keep making that music
that keeps the rock world watching!


What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
:lol:

:lol: I love music that you listen to or a specific band has music that pertains to your life. I can listen to any song from Evanescence and can pick out what part of my life that applies to. Wow. They are so gifted.
[i]Breathe no more-[/i]
I've been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I've come to believe my souls on the other side.
Oh the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
To sharp to put back together.
To small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.

-My soul has been shattering into little pieces since my childhood. I have never had the strength to stand up and try to put the tiny pieces back together. I just walked away and ignored my brokenness. I just had to say this at least because if it wasn't for two of the people I went to Iraq with, I wouldn't be now trying to put my life back together...Brandon I love you and I always will. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, friendship, and the occasional swift kick in the ass. Derek, wow, you are my dearest friend. I would give my life to you if you needed it. You were there through screaming nightmares, near fatal panic attacks, hospital episodes, and finally you forced to me to realize I that I had to and could face life on my own. You made me see that I was worth something and I that I could go back to life after war. I love you so very much, whether you want me to or not. Please now take your own advice to me and apply it to your life. I promise that one day a young woman will see you for who you really are.

[i]My Immortal[/i]

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though your still with me
I've been alone all along

-Wow. I wish to God I could write like this. This is for my biological sperm donor who was a criminal child abuser. I don't think time will ever erase what he did to us and the wounds aren't going to heal...the affects of his actions will always be a part of me. Through encouragement from family, Brandon (swift kick!), and Derek, I am putting it behind me but there's no doubt that the pain won't leave me.

[i]Missing[/i]

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant
Am I so insignificant
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone

Prior to the whole war thing, I was engaged to marry Aaron. I really thought I loved him and I really thought he loved me but well that wasn't the case. I always wondered when it was that he forgot, how did I become insignificant and how could he forget me when I was fighting for his freedom? I would have died for him then...I would have died to know without uncertainty that he loved me and would be there when I came home.

[i]Away from Me[/i]

I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this

Brandon asked me Saturday night how much I had changed since the war. Listen people...situations like that will change a person. Change is not necessarily a bad thing. Know that you can learn from change and you can grow as a person. I haven't allowed myself to learn lately and it's my goal to learn from my experiences and grow...

[i]Where will you Go?[/i]

You’re too important for anyone
There’s something wrong with everything you see
But I, I know who you really are
You’re the one who cries when you’re alone

But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
You can’t escape

You think that I can’t see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You’re left to face yourself alone

I realize you’re afraid

But you can’t abandon everyone
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape

I’m so sick of speaking words that no one understands
Is it clear enough that you can’t live your whole life all alone
I can hear you in a whisper
But you can’t even hear me screaming

I realize you’re afraid
But you can’t reject the whole world
You can’t escape
You won’t escape
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape

Thats for Derek and his life. Please God be with him.

Ok that's it for tonight, goodnight all...please comment by the way.

:) Just a quick note to update everyone. I went to Nashville today to demobilize (Reverse SRP) through the National Guard. I had planned on trying to finish my three years left on term but they won't let me. I am getting an honorable discharge but I would have like to stay in and finish. C'est la vie I know but still. I am so proud I did this so I guess it's a happy ending. Instead of being a defender of freedom, I am now a whole-hearted supporter of those who defend my freedom.

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.

This woman is my inspiration. She is a contemporary Christian singer who truly puts her heart and emotion into her music.
"I AM"
Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You wathed my team win
You watched my team lose
You watched when my bicycle went down again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Secret Keeper
Come if you can
You said, I Am

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10 p.m.
You saw my mistakes.
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I' d never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I Am

You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seemwhen it is 2 a.m.
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Sheperd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold thats familiar
And bless the moments that we feel you nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will cal You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am
Yes, I Am

Thanks Nichole for what you do! :lol: :!:

This blog is to serve as a mini bio of me. It details what I am doing now and my goals, etc. Hope this serves to tell you more about me!

Well, my name is Scarlett Victoria Wells, I go by Scarlett. My major is Secondary Education History with an emphasis in government so I don't have a minor. My career goal is to teach in a highschool and continue teaching piano in my own private studio. In addition to teaching, I plan to continue my education by obtaining both my masters, and PhD in history. I am presently beginning research for my Dissertation as I know it will take years to develop. That is, I am sure, the hardest part about obtaining one's PhD. My hopes and dreams in life is to always lead and inspire my students. I pray each day that I will live my life as a good example and role model for each of my students. My hobbies are playing the piano, writing a book on my experiences in Iraq, writing short stories, hanging out with my Gamma Kappa Pi sorority sisters, shopping most definitely, reading, cooking, crocheting, avidly watching NFL football (Go Cowboys and Titans!), and baseball (Go Braves!). Currently I am self-employed and teach piano at my private studio. I am a veteran of the US Army. I served in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Although I am no longer active duty, for the time being I am still in the National Guard. My favorite bands are Linkin Park, Nickelback, and Evanescence. There are the only three bands that I like all of their music. As a pianist, however, I also have a love for classical music. As a Christian, I love my contemporary Christian music. Favorite movies would have to include all three Lord of the Rings movies, Mona Lisa Smile, We Were Soldiers, A Walk to Remember, there are so many. My favorite sport would have to be football. I promise you that I can out-football-talk almost any guy. I can't go a Sunday and not watch football. So I guess there's a little more insight to me as a person.

Found this on my computer...I wrote it within a week of being home. Life wasn't easy then but it's all good now!

I guess everyone comes to the point in his or her life where he or she must come to terms with his or her inner self. Ok, I realize that is a complicated sentence. Does it make sense? Sometimes it is so hard though. When one doesn’t feel accepted by others, how can one accept oneself? I don’t know what to think sometimes. So much runs through my mind and I have no idea what to do with it. I want to get rid of it forever. I want to erase it from my mind. I want to forget everything that has happened and just start all over again. I feel as if I have been alone my whole life. I have had people in my life. I have a wonderful family now. I have three older brothers, 2 older sisters, three younger brothers, and a mom and dad. But how can a parent walk away from his or her child? How can they act as if children are mere property to be signed away to avoid imprisonment? I want answers and I doubt that I will ever get them. It isn’t that people don’t want to give me answers. The simple fact is that no one has the answers. No one has a good answer as to why Charles was a criminal child abuser. No one knows why my mother didn’t leave. No one knows why she didn’t stop what he was doing to us. No one knows why she didn’t leave sooner. I refuse to ask her. I know that it would hurt her to be asked. I don’t think she knows the answer. To this day, I am haunted by my childhood and fears associated with it. It gets really tiring to still look behind myself when I am alone. I am scared of being alone. I am scared of the dark. I am scared of strange things. I am scared of shadows. I am scared of not having enough food. I am obsessive about having ridiculous amounts of clothes. I am repulsed by anything that reminds me of my childhood. I am haunted by memories of Iraq. I stop in the road while driving if my mind plays tricks on me and I ‘see’ something in the road. I have thought I saw a land mine and it was merely someone’s green house number stick that reflected on the road when I was going around a curve. The children’s playthings in Amanda’s yard frighten me at night because I for a split second envision someone standing there. When someone drives too close to me at night, I get scared because they might be following me. I am literally paranoid of my surroundings. I don’t know how to stop that. How can I force myself to stop imagining things? Is there something psychologically wrong with me? No…there’s not it’s just war. The wounds deep inside my soul don’t seem to heal. The pain doesn’t subside. The pain deepens. My hurt overwhelms my mind. Childhood memories, high school experiences, horrible relationships, and the horror of war haunt my once pleasant dreams and chase away my small bit of sanity I once held. There is too much hurt, too many wounds for time to heal. I have tried to tell myself that it is all gone, that is all done with, that it is all over. But everything is still with me.

Well, I thought that I was done with the military. I kept thinking over the past several days and weeks how much I missed it. So this weekend I went to my unit because it was their scheduled drill. I then realized how seriously I missed being in uniform. One of the NCO's in my unit informed me that although I am on disability for my heart- asthma due to exposure to oil well fires and sulfur fires and the sand- I can still stay in but it is my choice. I had no idea. So then I am faced with this life changing decision because our unit already knows that we will most likely be deployed again. I mean we haul fuel...so yep...we will probably go back. But I love the honor and the pride from serving my country and from defending your freedom. Not many 21 year old college sorority girls do that. So my mom asked me what my gut feeling was...to stay in of course. She said, well go with that. So I will know Wednesday after going to the demobilization process at TN State National Guard Headquarters in Nashville. I hope so in so many ways.

On another note concerning the guard, I saw an old friend this weekend who I served with in my unit in Iraq. That was good and enlightening. Because of some things that happened overseas, I doubt people's genuiness a lot more now, I doubt their motives. Well, this is one person I shouldn't have doubted. He also had the kindness to give me a swift kick in the rear. He has apparently kept tabs on me and knew what I have and have not been up to lately. It's not that I am doing bad things, it is just that I have had a hard time dealing with the whole war thing and my abusive childhood. He told me last night that I needed to grow up and get over it...and move on with life because I was better than all that. He is so right. I started back into college full time although it is online because I was still active duty but this semester has been different. I am not nearly as motivated as before. I love life and have always given 110% to everything. But this time, I didn't study as much, made not so hot grades on tests and my GPA will suffer for my lack of motivation. Brandon was quite serious with me and told me to myself in gear and get back into life the way it was before. In many ways, I didn't know what he was asking me to do because in some ways I think I am doing ok. But he is right, I was so involved in everything prior to war and just because I went to war and saw someone die doesn't mean my world here has to end or be less than what it can be.

My challenge to all of you with this is listen to your heart. Go with your gut instinct. Sometimes listening to the logic in your head isn't the right path. Be all that you are so capable of being and live your life the fullest because you don't know when life will end. Cheers to all of you and thanks for your comments! :lol: